The Worst Of Me Here
Lately I have been wrestling with how to share openly in this online space without stealing from real, in-person life. I struggle to find balance between capturing moments to preserve them for years to come and removing the distraction of the camera between me and those moments in real time. Many of my favorite memories go unseen by the world because I was too busy living them to document. I think this is a paradox many of us are feeling in this day and age.
But I am going to share something with you that is giving me a lot of freedom these days. I don’t owe my best to the masses. And neither do you. The Holy Spirit reminded me recently that just because I am called to be a writer doesn’t mean I am called to have 200k followers or subscribers. I am hoping this truth frees me to stop feeling the need to share out of necessity, and begin sharing when I truly have something to say. Because on the flip side of the coin, our time spent in this nebulous online community is time spent away from everything else. For me, it’s time and attention away from really engaging with my boys. It can so easily become a distraction from connection with my husband or the faces at the table around me. Which is why I need you to know that I will always aim to give the best parts of myself to the tangible, gritty, blood and bones life before me. And while I will continue to aim to grow as a writer and deepen in truth, you will likely get the worst of me here.
I don’t owe my best to the masses. And neither do you.
The moment I stop fighting to be present to the world around me, is the moment my words here lose all weight. If I am not writing or sharing, it is probably because I am in the middle of a story God is writing in me. I am learning and loving and processing. I am grieving and resting and striving and living. And what I am learning about being a writer is that my words are most powerful when they have first been lived out. When I write about simplicity, I write from a place of having fought tirelessly to declutter my world and ascribe meaning to the madness. When I talk about motherhood and making these years count, it is because I am striving to be present for my boys in a world constantly vying for my attention. My words are only as good as the moments that wrote them.
When I read about and study the time Jesus spent earth-side, I see how much of it was spent doing life with the twelve. Sure he had his Sermon on the Mount moments, but I think He knew that real life change happens with the people you do life with every day. Mother Teresa once said, “You want to change the world? Go home and love your family.” I have been gifted with two tiny disciples. Disciples who need me to show up for them, who are hungry for my attention, who could one day be world changers if somebody would take the time to show them all they are capable of.
I don’t owe the world my attention, but I do owe it to the people I do life with every day. Maybe the holiest thing in this season I could focus on is loving them well. Maybe kingdom work can begin here. And quite possibly, it cannot begin anywhere else until it is first established at home.
If you find yourself in a similar place–curating experiences that translate nicely to the screen but only you know the sacrifices it took to document–do yourself a favor and delete the app for a week. Do something you love that isn’t beautiful or picture-worthy and truly allow yourself to live in the moment. And when you stumble across the truly photographical moments, first ask yourself if you are giving the best of yourself to the present moment. Because you don’t owe the rest of us anything other than to be true to who God created you to be. And remember that behind all the filters and pretty words is a soul that only few will have the privilege of ever fully knowing. Give your best to those few. The rest of us will be better for it.